“Four walls…inside my head…”

I think, out of all the “followers” this blog has, maybe only two or three people actually read what I post here. But that’s okay. This blog is more for me than anyone else, hence the title, “Therapy is Effin’ Expensive”. Having the ability to put my thoughts out into the blogosphere and possibly putting a smile on someone’s face or inspire them in some shape, form, or fashion is a huge bonus for me. 

So with that having been said…

I opened my laptop, my browser, and this page with tears streaming down my face. The tears have since dried but the ugliness still stares out from behind my eyes, urging me, begging me to put fingers to keyboard…but I’m fighting with myself, and have been for a while now. want to write, I need to write…to get it all out, but at the same time, I know writing about it will force me to stand face-to-face with the shit I’ve managed to keep crammed far down inside of me for the last almost thirteen years. In spite of that, I have this marrow-deep knowing that the time has come for me to free myself of the grief and the guilt that has now started to bubble to the surface. The thoughts, the memories threaten to boil over violently, in a rage as if to say, “How DARE you try to run from your past? No, you must deal with this in order to move on, to live….to live FULLY.” 

Even after all of that, I’m still struggling. It’s funny the things that I’m willing to put out there and share about myself with others…I’m very open about my past drug use along with other experiences that have shaped me into the woman I am today, some of which could be considered “unsavory” to the average person–and no, I don’t particularly give a shit what anyone thinks of me–but I have a hard time talking about certain aspects of my life, not because I’m concerned about what people may say or think, but because, like I mentioned above, I am afraid of how all these feelings rushing into my brain and heart at one time will end. Will I just explode? Maybe so, but isn’t that better than imploding?

And so, I’ve successfully skirted the issue(s) once again…I don’t mean to keep in suspense the three of you who actually read this blog, but I’m literally emotionally exhausted and I really don’t have the energy to go further into any of this right now. But no need to worry about me, I’m okay. I’m good, actually, because now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to be strong enough to continue to walk through it in order to get to the other side. 

Hang in there with me.

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6 thoughts on ““Four walls…inside my head…”

  1. Why oh why was I just having a BEAT MY HEART moment of the same, just last night & early this morning at work? But u know what, Zan? You have a voice thag many should hear, no matter how much it may hurt and how painfully embarrassing it may be to share your life. A guy WAAAAY in Chicago, Marcus (we will call him that) from facebook’s infamous Eat the Cake, Anna Maw, & and I just spoke Friday afternoon. He told me how much he adores hearing/reading my posts, even when it seems as if no one is ever paying attention to what I write. He urges me regularly, discreetly in my inbox, “WRITE THE BOOK!” And he told me again, on Friday, “You have so much in you, even in your pain & sarcasm, that will flousish into healing and growth of so many people”…And I’m saying, to YOU Zan, YOU have a story that will change the views of many, of themselves. You have a voice that will FORCE many to see deeply inside themselves. Sweetie, DON’T STOP WRITING…This too, although yours, heeds me to my own hidden source of therapy…and it only makes me appreciate the truth for what it is, & also to be able to see that although I feel alone, haunted by my BULLSH*T past, I am not and should not be afraid to face it, for I am not alone…Love..Love…LOVE YOU GIRL!

  2. I’m just now starting to venture back into the blog world, but damn girl. This is beautiful. I hope things are good for you and that you continue to try to put it out there. Love you.

    • Carissa! Hey, honey! Thank you for reading and I am glad you enjoyed it. Yes, PLEASE start blogging again…I know you have plenty of fodder what with your radio job and all! ❤ ❤

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