TMI Thursday: Belly Bloopers

It’s that time again! Click the pretty lil’ button below for more TMI Thursday tidbits!

This is only mildly TMI, but TMI nonetheless!

As most of you ladies probably know, pregnancy is not exactly one’s most graceful period. You’re swollen, hormonal, forgetful, and clumsy as all hell. I took pride (and thanked God) in/for the fact that during my previous two pregnancies, I never took any major tumbles or was a part of any major catastrophies (except for when I gave birth to the twins, but that’s another story).

My husband and I had a roommate while I was pregnant with my youngest. He happened to be a nursing student and one of my husband’s best friends. I was not worried about anything “weird” going on, and I had no shame in going to him about random pregnancy-related issues. One night, I had just come home from work, and he was in the living room studying. It was summertime in Houston, and as we all know, even though the sun had gone down hours ago, it was still fucking hot outside , and all I thought about during my drive home was a nice, cleansing, sweat-removing shower. I would have taken a bath, but while getting into the tub was not much of a problem, getting out of the bath was no mean feat.

I chit-chatted with the roommate while I waited for the water to get to the right temp, and was finally able to succumb to the merciful pulsations of my brand new showerhead (not like that, you pervs) . I lathered my hair with shampoo and took to the task of bathing, and, finally, shaving my legs.Yes, even though I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, I still shaved my legs, because I hate hair anywhere on my body–except for my head, of course, and pregnancy was not going to stop me from having smooth legs. It was not easy, but I always managed to shave without slicing my legs up or busting my ass.

Except for that particular day. I am pretty careful about making sure any soap or shaving gel has run down the drain before I make any moves, i.e. propping my foot up on the side of the tub, but I must have missed something because when I went to switch legs, my right leg decided to go out from under me and down I went. I still, to this day, do not understand why people reach for the shower curtain in an attempt to prevent a fall, because we all know that, unless you weigh about the same or less than a shower curtain, there is a good chance that the rod is not going to hold your weight and will indeed come crashing down on top of you. Lucky for me, the damned thing decided to instead land on the floor by the tub, but my ass still hit the floor of the tub with a nice thud, and pain shot through my hip and side where I landed in an attempt to not land on my belly.

I could not move. Period. I tried like hell to right myself, which is not very easy when your center of gravity rests in your abdomen, and my left arm was under my body and apparently one arm is not very useful in helping to move a 180-pound pregnant woman (shut up). I wiggled my toes and turned my ankles in their sockets to make sure they were not twisted or sprained, and laid there for a second while shampoo ran into my eyes and tried to figure out how the hell I was going to get out of the tub, when I remembered that roommate was only a yell away.

I’ve never been a modest person, and modesty definitely goes out the window when you are pregnant because your body is no longer your own. However, I found it to be quite disconcerting that my male roommate is about to see me in all my naked, pregnant glory, and I, for some reason, reached for my towel on the towel rack about two feet over my head, got frustrated and started to feel tears well up in my eyes. Damned hormones. It was then that roommate knocked on the bathroom door and asked if I were okay. I mumbled “no”, and thanked my lucky stars that I hadn’t locked the door.

He came in with his head turned slightly, aware of my embarrassment at having him see me butt-ass, and reached up and turned the shower off. “Okay, I’m going to try to flip you over a little and then help you up.” I giggled when he said “flip you over”, and my mood lightened a little bit as the absurdity of the situation hit me. He gave me the towel to cover up with, then bent down and grabbed me around my shoulders and under my legs, and I hastily reached for the towel to keep my goodies covered during the maneuver. I had almost succeeded in this when my elbow slipped and one of my boobs popped out from underneath the towel, about 2 inches from his face. Um…yeah. We laughed that off and he successfully helped me get upright and I could feel my face burning as I thanked him profusely and apologized for the impromptu peep show. He was blushing far more furiously than I was, and we both continued to laugh as he walked out of the bathroom, shaking his head.