…To Forgive is Divine…

Chances are you have been wronged by others on several occasions. Yes, people do fucked up shit to people all the time, but nothing hurts more than when someone you love, someone who you thought loved you messes over you in such a way that you don’t know what to feel. And let’s face it. Forgiveness is a tough undertaking. It’s the right thing to do, but it is so damned hard to overlook the wrong that someone has done to you. Along with forgiving that person, you often also have to decide whether or not you still want him/her in your life. Think about it: could you live with seeing someone or dealing with someone on a regular basis, all the while knowing that this person fucked you over? How damaging would that be to your psyche? Especially if that person is smiling in your face, acting like nothing ever happened. More often than not, this is the case. It is not easy to just cancel someone out of your life, and you figure that maybe that person can change, that they can become a better person based simply on the fact that you were able to find that one redeeming quality in them that made you forgive them for what they did instead of kicking their ass to the curb. Unfortunately, this never happens. At least it hasn’t in my experience. He/she continues to do the same shit they were doing, if not to you, then to someone else. So what is the point? Why should I be the bigger person?

Furthermore, what is the point of forgiving when you cannot forget? Is it that you should always keep that shit in the back of your mind so you don’t allow the next person to do you the same way? I’ve told myself over and over again that I forgive him for what he did, but when I think about him, I get a pit in my stomach and my fingers and toes begin to tingle, and not in a good way. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel as fucked up as I felt when he did what he did to me. I never thought I would allow someone to get next to me in such a way to almost force me to go outside my character and do some vindictive shit that would have surely turned his world upside down. I’m not like that. But I thought he wasn’t like that, either. And now, he is in a situation where his world has been turned upside down. Should I be glad? Should I jump for joy because he is getting what he deserves?

On the other hand, who am I to say who deserves what? I am only human, myself, and Lord knows I have done my fair share of dirt to others, and while some of them may not have forgiven me, others did. So maybe I have answered my own question. Maybe I should forgive because others have forgiven me. And isn’t that divine?

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