I Said I Wasn’t Going to do Anymore of These…

…but I lied. Some situations just beg for a TMI post, and this is one of them. You already know that liquor was involved, so no need to go into detail there. Okay, well maybe.

Ahem.

I was at a friend’s party this past Friday night and I had already sworn to myself that I would not get “too fucked up” because I’d drunk rather heavily while watching the Celtics v. Lakers game the night before (damn you, Celtics!) and I was nursing this awful summer cold and I knew that with my immune system already being pretty low, drinking too much would just be a recipe for disaster. Well, if you know me, then you know that I has a weakness for the alcohol…so that idea got shot to hell rather quickly. After 2 margaritas, a few cranberry/vodkas, and a shot of Jose Cuervo which was practically forced upon me (not really) and yet another cranberry/vodka…I was done.

Enter hormones.

For those of you who don’t know, alcohol makes me extremely horny. Like super horny. So as I scan the club, I spot my next victim, who just so happened to be someone I knew from many years ago and had previously had words with, but all that went out the window because I knew he’d be easy prey. Bwahahahahha…so, one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, we’re in his car headed to his apartment which was not too far from the venue where the party was being held. I was feeling fine the whole way there, but as soon as I walked into his place, I started feeling a little queasy. That should have been a sign, right? Right. Well, I was too drunk for signs. Signs are for sober people who actually give a damn, neither of which applied to me. Anybitchwassloppydrunk, the next thing I recall after entering the apartment was being bent over his (not-so-clean) toilet puking my guts out and wishing for instantaneous death. I’m sure he knew what was up, but like most drunk, horny men, couldn’t have cared less. I requested a washcloth and a paper towel with which to do a little rigged up toothbrushing, and before long, I was good as still drunk  new. I collapsed onto the bed and watched him as he undressed, and for some reason recalled that his dick used to be bigger than that but maybe I was “remembering” someone else…hmm…the things that go through a drunk’s mind…

Oh, sorry…well anyway, I gave him a little oral stimulation to prepare for the main event (for which I was more than ready), and once that mission was accomplished, jumped onto all fours in preparation for some vigorous doggy-styling. *buzzer sound* WRONG! He wanted to be on top, and I was (again) too drunk to care, so I flipped my ass over and he got on top of me and got to plugging away. Literally. I felt like a damn piece of concrete that was being jackhammered. I faked a few noises and he told me to shush because his kids were in the next room, and I immediately piped down, relieved that I didn’t have to pretend pleasure that I really wasn’t feeling. Oh and did I mention that he sweat profusely the entire time we were fucking?!??!? Oh, that’s not the worst part. Are you ready?

Before I even knew it, he snuck one in on me.

He literally snuck his penis into my “exit only” hole, and I was so drunk that I wasn’t even aware of it until after it had already happened and he was already balls deep into it. Like, seriously, how the fuck did this happen? And lest y’all think that I’m just some loose-booty bitch that regularly gets plugged in the ass, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I DO NOT GET FUCKED IN THE ASS. Well, I guess I can’t say that anymore…and what’s worse, it actually felt better in the ass than it did in the orifice that was actually meant to receive penis! What the fuck?! But do you know how you can cut yourself and not realize it until you actually look down and see it bleeding and only then do you start to feel pain? Well, such as the situation was here. It was all well and good until I realized what was going on, and once I did, you best believe I was squirming and trying like hell to get out from under his 6’5″ tall, 260 pound ass, and he wasn’t having it. I was trapped. He apparently took my squirming for enjoyment, and I was too drunk to really fight so I just laid there and took it like some little bitch. SMH @ myself. He humped and sweated all up in and all over my ass until he was satisfied. I really don’t know how to feel about that but maybe I asked for it…this is what I get for drinking too damn much; reamed all up in the ass.